The Z-Files: Alpha to Omega - Arc 03 - Chapter 2

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Chapter 2 - "In space... the parody possibilities are endless" by Oddfellow

In our last episode, Oddfellow was wrongfully accused of stealing a shipment of McDonalds Big 'n Tasty Burgers by the incompetent officers of the Playland Police Force. Using their powerful brains, they established that the now fugitive Oddfellow would be safe from condemnment in the recesses of Space, and having trashed the employees lounge once more, they have taken to the Cleared Launch Opening Scructure Equipped Technology room (C.L.O.S.E.T.) to use Agent J's Sith Infiltrator to get there. --- Achilles: Wasn't this place slightly bigger when we were last here?

Aaron: Yeah, and I thought it was just called the launch site?

Silver: And since when did Launch rooms have mops and stuff in them?

Arkman: I think the air just bit me, but I can't tell without having the lights on.

Oddfellow: No doubt this is one of Bingo's little "secret areas" which he cuts costs on to pay our T-3 internet connection.

Tashi: We have broadband?

Oddfellow: Yeah, we have had for seven months now.

Judicator: How come we didn't hear about this?

Aaron: You mean we've all been using the old 100kb pipeline for no reason when we could have had blindingly fast broadband?! Why didn't anyone tell us?!

Oddfellow: Well, I was trying to download all the Futurama episodes in DivX quiality, and I thought, "Hey, the guys won't mind if I just tell them tomorrow while I find them and download them." So I did, and then I thought maybe I'd find all the Stargate episodes, so I thought--

Everybody beats up on Oddfellow, finishing up by throwing him into a garbage pail.

Oddfellow: Owie... I felt my back go 'ping'.

Madcat: For once it's not your head. I'm impressed.

Tashi: (Dusting her hands) Well, we could take Judicator's spaceship into orbit to escape the wrath of the McDonalds crew and get Agent O to safety... but after that little episode, I'd feel better just leaving him in that garbage pail and playing Quake 3 over the broadband.

Aaron: I'm up for that.

Achilles: Me too, haven't played Quake 3 in ages!

Judicator: I'm in.

Silver: Anyone seen my good mouse?

Madcat: All things aside, don't you think we ought to at least get Agent O to a safe place? I mean, if the McDonalds crew actually DO find us here, a garbage pail probably isn't going to provide a whole heap of protection.

Aaron: He's right. We can't risk anyone, let alone the McD's, finding out about the secret Z-files HQ.

Judicator: What do you mean, "finding out"? The last time we tried keeping the HQ a perfect secret, the wall got blasted out and people were, like, staring in!

Aaron: Well... I don't think there were any of the McD's there, so let's keep hush.

Silver: So what do we do? We can't just leave him here.

Tashi: (Whining) But I wanna play Quake!

Achilles: I'm with her, I've never dreamed of Internet speeds this fast!

Aaron: Okay, how about this. We send Agent O up into space in the Sith Infiltrator on Autopilot, then when he gets into space, he can just relax out there for a while until the McD's get tired of looking for him, then we can turn the spaceship around and guide him back down to Earth.

The Z-team murmer and talk among themselves unsuredly.

Aaron: ... and perhaps make him do some barrel-rolls on the way down.

All: Yeah!!!

Tashi: Then it's settled, we hurl Agent O into space and play Quake. Hurry up and send him so we can get connected.

Everyone looks around, no Oddfellow in sight.

Madcat: Hey, where'd he go? He was here a second ago.

Arkman: He must have overheard us talking about him. You know how sensitive he is.

Aaron: Everyone split up, he's got to be around the base somewhere.

In the main lounge.

Aaron: Here Oddy-oddy-oddy! ... oof... I'm coming to get you! ... ow... c'mere... You'd better watch out! ... got it!

Achilles: (Walking in, sees Aaron.) Have you seen hi--... Are you stealing cans from the coke machine again?!

Aaron: (Stand up indignantly) Who, me? (Several cans drop from behind his back.)

In the room with lots of flashy buttons.

Silver: have you seen him yet?

Tashi: No, but I've electrocuted myself three times ripping out wires to find him. (Beams proudly)

Silver: Ahh... right. Good for you. I'm going over here now.

In Bingo's darkened briefing room. Oddfellow is huddled against the darkest wall. The floatinghead of Bingo appears.

Bingo: Agent O, what are you doing in here? This room is out of bounds unless I call a briefing meeting. You know you're all supposed to be relaxing between jobs.

Oddfellow: Oh, hi... I... uhh...wanted you to tell me that great fishing story again!

Bingo: Really?! Wow! Okay, so I was at the Hudson and this guy called Perky Joe called me over and bet me fifty bucks I couldn't catch a 10-pound Bass, so I loaded up the fishing gear and I--

Oddfellow: Please, stop! Just stop!

Bingo: I'm sorry? What was that?

Oddfellow: Uhh... I said, how did you get to become our grand and glorious leader? (Fake smile of admiration.)

Bingo: Well, through years of Secret Service training, five years of serving with the Queen's best, another three years of 1st class bodyguarding and one full year of advanced weaponary testing. I tell you, I could have been a big-wig in this organisation.

Oddfellow: Oh, that's nice. So is this Cavalier Bremworth carpet or what? It's so soft.

Bingo: ... Oh sure, it doesn't matter if you've got all my credentials. No matter how good you get, you let ONE stupid Yugoslavian president be assassinated and you get... this.


A parade is going on, streamers are everywhere, people riding in fancy cars and ponys behind. A very important man rides standing on a platform coming down the street, he looks worried for some reason.

Young Bingo: (Chatting up an attractive brunette) It's cool, huh? Yeah, I got a gun, too.

A large man in a suit simply walks out onto the road and aims a pistol towards the important man.

Young Bingo: You like my badge? That's very nice of you. Say, what was your name again?

The man pulls the trigger, but it doesn't work. People are screaming.

Young Bingo: How do you spell that again?

The man has time to realise he didn't have it loaded, pulls out another cartridge and locks it in.

Young Bingo: So, you wanna catch a movie some time?

A few shots are fired and the important man takes them all in the chest.

Young Bingo: Boy, kinda loud parade, huh? What's your number?

His business finished, the suited man has time to pack up his gun, straighten his tie and walk calmly into the audience before Bingo turns around. Bingo runs over to the float and sees the tragedy.

Young Bingo: (Slaps his forehead) Oh... boy.


Bingo: And after that, they put me in charge of this crap-ho---... this place.

Oddfellow: Uh-huh, wow. Look at the time, I gotta fly.

As Oddfellow goes to leave, the door bursts open. Madcat and Arkman dogpile onto Oddfellow and then drag him kicking and screaming into the lounge.

Arkman: Hey! We got 'im. C'mere and give us a hand getting him into the ship!

Aaron and Achilles rush over and secure Odd's arms while madcat and Arkman take his legs.

Oddfellow: Lemme go! I don't wanna go in the ship!

Oddfellow starts thrashing around and manages to get a hand free. Grasping one of his fly-swatters, he swats Madcat in the face with one.

Madcat: AAARGGH!! He hit me in the FACE!!!

Thrashing and kicking, Oddfellow is carted over to the ship launching grounds and thrown upside down into a cryogenics pod. Judicator runs up and slams his hand down on the "freeze" button and Oddfellow becomes solid and cold instantly. The team breathe a sigh of relief and shake each others' hands.

Tashi and Silver come running up.

Silver: You got him?

Achilles: Yeah, but he took some casualties on the way.

Madcat: Damn, man! He hit me in the face! The FACE!!!

Tashi: Well, let's get this pod onto the ship and get it moving. I want to get on the server before Gerudo Pimp manages to dedicate most of the bandwidth to his account. YES! I SEE YOU OVER THERE!!!

Gerudo: Damn.

The team heft the pod and hurl it into the ship, lock up the doors and step off the loading bay. Aaron keys in the lauching code and fires up the ship. The Sith Infiltrator whirrs loudly and in a few seconds blasts off into the stratosphere leaving blurry images behind it. The team watch as the ship careens through the atmosphere and disappear. A few moments later, the moon wobbles and a robotic voice message comes back saying that the navigational controls were "a bit iffy". Everyone laughs at Oddfellow's misfortune about having to survive on the moon and get over the joke very quickly.

Tashi: 'Pags' being "Sarge"!!!

All: Awwwwww!!!

The Z-Team hurry off the the computer lounge to play Quake 3, leaving Oddfellow temporarily frozen in a cryogenic pod and Bingo remeniscant of his days as a bodyguard.


A Darkened, smoke-filled room. Big Mac enters the room nervously, and a large leather chair sits behind a large desk. In the chair, a purple blob-like man sits smoking a cigar. The desktop name refers to him as "The Grimace - Assistant Head of The McDonald's Mafia".

Big Mac: Ummm... Mr Grimace, Sir.

Grimace: What is it now? Have you captured this man known as "Oddfellow"?

Big Mac: uhh.. no Sir... I'm just here to ask you a question that has been plaguing me for some time now.

Grimace: And what would that be, you lowly crooked cop?

Big Mac: Hasn't that thought ever occured to you that it's slightly strange that a Mafia would be trying to prevent crimes of fastfood nature?


Big Mac: Oh, I see... I'm sorry to waste your time. I'll leave you be now... Sir.

Grimace: See that I'm not disturbed again. Next time I shall refer you DIRECTLY to the CEO.

Big Mac: God, Sir, NO!! I won't disturb you again!

Grimace: And FIND ME THAT MAN!!!

Big Mac: Y-y-y-yes, Sir.

Big Mac exits.

Grimace: Soon, very soon... The Public will know the wrath of McDonalds. Little by little the Big 'N Tasty burger will grow in popularity, perhaps even throwing the Big Mac off the top rank, and then... heheheheh... hahahaha... and THEN... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Owahahahahaha!!! ... and... Damn, I forgot what I was talking about...Oh yes... and THEN!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!

End of Chapter 2

Note: The McDonalds guy sure do have weird attributes. I mean, take Birdie for example. Why would someone whose species is killed, cooked and eaten daily want to endorse products featuring the fruits of that slughter? Weird.

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