The meaning of life is to read this page!

The meaning of life has been the ultimate goal for everyone who has ever dreamed of a perfect life, myself included. But just how does one obtain such inredible information? The blueprints for the ultimate life's lesson doesn't just leap down onto you from a tree limb, it has to be spotted in a dark cavern, tricked and wrestled to the ground. So strap on your wrestling boots and buy yourself one of those fake, easily-breakable tables and we'll commence in searching for the holy grail of knowledgable things.

 Where can I find it?

How to hunt this elusive piece of information? Look for it in the least likely places. Why the least likely places? Simple, it's a matter of human principle. If you think some hardcore religious nut is going to spend all his time reading about theology and chaos theory if he already knows the meaning of life, you're horribly mistaken. You'd be better scoping out what the local glue-sniffers think, as who knows what can come to a man during a drug-induced nirvana? Here's some of the "yes's and no's" of hunting for the meaning of life;


  • The bottom of a bottle. Ever noticed how all alcoholics do is drink? Sounds like a solid meaning of life to me if they're into it so heavily. And don't give me that "addicted" speil, I don't need to hear about it.
  • Dogs do crazy things, maybe they'll tell you when they're in a good mood. Try rubbing their tummies.
  • Making it up yourself. A sure way to win.
  • Questionaires. You get a whole bunch of crap in questionaires, so it's no real suprise to learn than amongst the crud, the insomniac authors could have subconsciously written it there. Then again, if you can sort through all the crap in one questionaire you're probably already half-way to becoming a god, so who needs the neaning of life?
  • Half-Life: Counterstrike. Just a game? I think not. Cult followings, No 1. multiplayer game, sound god yet?
  • Clicking repeatedly on the My Computer icon on your desktop. If you click about 3,500 times, the meaning of life will pop down in a window for 3 seconds. I think Bill Gates bought it off God.
  • Parents. Why parents? Well, obviously if they knew the meaning of life they'd have not had you in the first place, not needing any more little pleasures in life. Then again, if they'd already had you when they had found out the meaning of life, they are probably holding a silent grudge against you for ruining their chances, so won't tell you. In the immortal words of Edward Bear, "You can never tell with parents."
  • Any religious meeting place or person. They're all wrong.
  • Eating hundreds of Twinkies to get the answer, it'll probably be more fattening than enlightening.
  • Questionaires. I know I said to search there, but I changed my mind. No prize is worth trudging through these.
  • Web-pages. Noone is ever correct, especially on the Net. Nobody... except me.
  • Television "Miracle Workers" who give you a new lease of life. They don't fix a thing, they just paint over the stuff you don't want to think about. It's cheap paint, too. $2 Shop stuff.
 What some have said the meaning of life is:

- "The meaning of life is a popsicle in each hand." - Oddfellow
Ha! The only thing more inane than this pathetic attempt to sum up life as we know it, is the fact that I've taken the time to insult my own theory.

- "The meaning of life is 34" - Anonymous
Even if I had passed maths in High School, I still don't think that one's ever going to mean anything.

- "I could tell you, but you'd die immediately after hearing it." - God
Fuck it!! ... He's probably right, too, dammit.

- "The meaning of life is the opposite of death." - Kevin Sandom
Very true... very deep, very insightful, very stupid. That's kevin for you.

- "The meaning of Life is that everyone should never take things and people for granted, that they should live life to the fullest, that they cherish their family and friends, that they embellish their imagination and not be afraid to speak the prose in their mind, that they always say "the glass is half full", that the possibilites are endless and to take the bacon while it's still grilling... or wait, that's not right... um, to spork it, wait, that's worst... well, you get the point." - Tashi the Templar
Huh?... wha-?... Are.. are we talking about the same thing here?

- "The meaning of life changes from gender to gender. Men - Their meaning of life is to figure out how many times in a day they can get away with scratching themselves. Women - Their meaning to life is to conduct research and find a cure for whatever the heck men scratch themselves for in the first place. " - Candice Hildyard
We men think it's sly to scratch ourselves. I think it's some genetic problem we got from someone sneezing into the primordial soup. I think that's how the IRS formed, too.

- "The meaning of life is a cheese sandwich. Deceptively simplistic, but a wonderful taste." - Mike Hildyard
Also, when it gets old it smells bad and noone likes being around it. I think this line was swiped from "Polly Pocket™'s Big Book of Grown-up Philosphy."

- "The meaning of life is the ability to be a complete and utter bastard to those who don't deserve it, only to see the look of pure contempt on their faces as you say, "What's YOUR problem?!" - Ben Haslett
Finally! A Meaning of Life that makes sense, AND one that you can really enjoy!

Well, what do you think, any good meanings in that lot? No? I didn't think so either. All crap. The problem is, we, as a population, don't even know what the meaning of life is supposed to accomplish. World peace? Inner peace? A chocolate Muffin recipe that can't be beat? Who knows. All we know is that this shining ray of education is kept only in the places you don't ever look and even the wisest of us fail to grasp it's incredible concept. Little kids know it I think, but they must forget when they reach the age where being "cute" goes to being "a fuckwit".

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