The Z-Files: Alpha to Omega - Arc 03 - Chapter 1

1  2  3 

Chapter 1 - "Farewell McEarth" by Aaron Hartman

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Stuff happened and evil was defeated.

Present day. Present time. (Somewhere a voice laughs maniacally.)

Oddfellow stretchs as he casually strolls down the sidewalk of a tree-lined street.

Oddfellow: "Another beautiful day on planet Earth."

Shouts of "Stop Thief!" suddenly ring out. A small masked man wearing a zebra-striped outfit runs into Oddfellow from behind, knocking them both over.

Oddfellow: "Hey!" Masked Man: "Rubble rubble!"

The masked man jumps up and looks both ways. The man suddenly dumps all of the wrappers from the hamburgers he was carrying onto Oddfellow before dashing off.

Oddfellow: "What was that all about?"

A police officer runs up to Oddfellow.

Police Officer: "Excuse me have you seen a masked man with an armload of hamburgers run by?"

Oddfellow stumbles to his feet.

Oddfellow: "Yeah, he just ran me over and... what happened to your head?"

Oddfellow points at the giant hamburger that is the Policeman's head.

Police Officer: "My head? Nothing's wrong me my head."

Oddfellow: "Well it looks like somebody smashed a Big Mac sandwich over your face."

Police Officer: "Yes. I am Big Mac, constable for all of McDonaldland. And... hey where did all those wrappers come from?"

Oddfellow: "What wrappers?"

Big Mac examines the pile of hamburger wrappers resting around Oddfellow's feet.

Big Mac walks around Oddfellow looking him up and down.

Big Mac: "Hmmm... The Hamburgler is a notorious master of disguise. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in for questioning and a taste test of our new Big 'n Tasty burger, sir."

Oddfellow: "But... but I've done nothing wrong!"

Big Mac: "Sure you haven't... sure you haven't..."

Oddfellow looks behind Big Mac and quickly points.

Oddfellow: "Oh no! The Fry Guys are trying to turn Birdie into Chicken McNuggets!"

Big Mac: "Where?"

As the police officer turns to look, Oddfellow takes off running in the other direction.

The headquarters of the Z-files is experiencing a rare quiet moment. Several members of the Z team sit around the meeting table playing cards.

Aaron: "Judicator, do you have any Jacks?"

Judicator looks over his cards.

Judicator: "Nope. Go fish."

Aaron swivels his chair around and pulls out a fishing rod. He winds back and sends a lure into the huge fish tank that dominates a full wall of the room.

Achilles: "When did they put that fish tank in here?"

Silver: "They put it in when they fixed the wall. Bets on how long it stays intact?"

Arkman gets up and walks over to the tank. He raps his knuckles on the glass.

Arkman: "Hmm. There aren't any fish inside and I don't think this is glass. Seems like a more sturdy material. It would probably take a huge force to put a dent it."

Silver: "Meaning?" Arkman: "I wager it's toast by the end of the episode."

Oddfellow bursts in through the door.

Oddfellow: "Guys! I'm in trouble."

Achilles: "And this is news?"

Oddfellow: "No. The Hamburgler..."

Aaron: "...framed you for the robbery of the new shipment of McDonalds' Big 'n Nasty... I mean Big 'n Tasty burgers?"

Oddfellow scratchs his head.

Oddfellow: "Yeah. How did you guys know?"

Tashi: "It was on the news already."

Judicator grabs the remote. He spins his chair, points the remote and fires at the television.

Newswoman: "In local news, the notorious Hamburgler has struck again. A shipment of the new Big 'n Nasty... Tasty burgers... were stolen..."

Madcat: "Yah, yah. We just read that a few lines ago. Get to something we haven't heard before."

The Newswoman coughs.

Newswoman: "We've obtained this video tape of the police chase shot by an Scottish gardener named Willie who wishes to remain nameless."

On the television, footage is shown of the Hamburgler running into Oddfellow. The Hamburgler is shown standing up and dumping all of the wrappers on Oddfellow before taking off. Big Mac shows up and the footage end.

Newswoman: "Despite the fact that this new evidence clears the suspect 'Oddfellow' of any wrong-doing, the Police still want to arrest and sentence the fugitive for stealing the burgers.

Footage of Big Mac appears on the screen.

Big Mac: "I don't care if he's been proven innocent. We haven't captured the Hamburgler in over twenty years, so it is time we started punishing somebody for his crimes and Lord knows the Grimace won't take the fall for this one. I'll search the ends of the Earth until I find this man and make him pay for this crime he didn't commit."

The Newswoman reappears on the screen.

Newswoman: "In related news, a local gardener is sought in connection to a rash of Peeping-Tom reports..."

Judicator shuts off the television and places the remote on the table. Oddfellow curls up into a ball on the floor and starts to cry. Tashi puts her arm around Oddfellow.

Tashi: "Don't worry Odd. We'll visit you at least once in the Big House."

Achilles: "You know, a thought just occurred to me. Why is it that whenever someone turns on the news after somebody else has said 'Quick! Turn on the news!', they are just starting the report that's pertinent to the current storyline?"

Madcat: "I don't know. Quick! Turn on the news!"

The television pops back on.

Newswoman: "In local news, friends of the guilty-despite-being-proven-innocent fugitive 'Oddfellow' have vowed to visit him in prison should he be captured."

The television turns off. Judicator looks at the remote which is still sitting on the table.

Judicator (muttering): "That was weird."

Aaron: "Your only choice is to get off planet, Odd. If we hang out in space for a while, things are bound to cool down on Earth."

Arkman: "Why space?"

Silver: "Well Big Mac did say that he was going to hunt Odd to the 'ends of the Earth'. He'll never think to look anywhere else."

Oddfellow sniffs and wipes a tear.

Oddfellow: "But how do we get off planet?"

Madcat: "We'll use Judicator's ship, the Sith Infiltrator."

Several of the Z-files members look blankly at Madcat.

Madcat: "You know, his spaceship? Back from during that time where he was Darth Maul for a few weeks?"

Silver: "I thought he was calling himself Darth Sidious."

Madcat: "Yah, but he was using the name Darth Maul for a short time before taking that one. You did get a ship out of the deal, didn't you Jay?"

Judicator nods.

Judicator: "Yeah, I always wanted to test it out, but I never had the chance."

Oddfellow stands.

Oddfellow: "Then space it is. To Judicator's ship!"

Everyone except for Aaron runs out of the room. Aaron continues to fish in the tank. Tashi ducks her head back into the room.

Tashi: "Are you coming, Agent A?"

Aaron gets a tug on his fishing line.

Aaron: "Just a minute!"

Aaron starts to pull on the line.

Tashi: "We're leaving now. We don't have a minute!"

Aaron continues pulling on the line. Tashi leaves the room. Several seconds later, Madcat, Achilles and Arkman storm back into the room and grab Aaron. Aaron holds onto the fishing rod for dear life as the others drag him out the door. As soon as they leave the room, Aaron's fishing line goes taut. A giant rubber tire is pulled through the front of the fish tank, shattering it and spilling water all over the place. Arkman ducks his head back into the room.

Arkman: "I win."

End of Chapter 1

Note: What horrors await our heroes in the depths of space?
Who was the evil force mentioned oh-so-briefly in the opening prologue and does it have any relevance to this arc's storyline?
Is the moon truly made of cheese?
You probably won't find out in the next exciting episode of THE Z-FILES (but that shouldn't stop you from reading)!!

P.S. The "Big n' Tasty" burger may seem like genius on paper, but in reality it is truly disgusting. It takes the best parts of several McDonalds' burgers and combines them into a hideously disgusting, Frankenstein burger. Avoid it at all costs. On second thought, just avoid McDonalds altogether.

1  2  3 

Click here to return to the Literature Page.