"Love and Relationships, as explained by Dr Oddfellow."
Journal - 12/02/02
"Seeing the Shrink"
Someone smart once said "To never ask is to never ask." Now, I have no idea what that means, or who actually said it. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if it was actually a quote or just something I threw into this update for comic effect... But anyway, comic or not it brings up a good point about asking questions, or at least I think it does because as I've said, I don't really have any clue to it's meaning. Asking questions about life is a great way to aquire lessons from life without going out and doing them yourself, which is a great time saver for all you out there who A. Have no time to deal with such trivial matters as life lessons, and/or B. Really can't be bothered learning anything if it has to be done the "hard way". So for your time-saving pleasure, I present to you a Question and Answer Time with your favourite internet personality... or not, Me! And the topic?...
I hear you ask, "But Odd, why should we trust the answers of someone who, apart from having no PhD or medical background whatsoever (if you don't count calling yourself "Dr"), has very little grasp of reality?" Well, there are a number of reasons, and most of them boild down to the fact that if you're reading this site in the first place, chances are you're never going to get anywhere in life anyway so you may as well believe the inane ramblings of a Love-Doctor-Wannabe. First of all, with no real experiences with romantic love or a solid relationship, I'm just the man to add a fresh hint of non-baised opinion to the field, and secondly, seeing as couples seem to always do the wrong thing in their partners' eyes, and outsider's view might just be what is needed. So listen up as I answer some difficult questions I've been asked in my time.
"My Girlfriend of two months keeps telling me she loves me, then hints subtely that I'm supposed to say it back. I'm not sure if I love her, though. What do I say to make that known without hurting her feelings?"
If you want to make sure she's happy, then all you have to do is tell her you love her back. As far as I'm concerned, that's all a woman needs to hear from a guy, even if she knows it's not true. You see, the average female mind is like a basic computer, it seeks for specific information, disregarding all the other unnecessary information until that too is required. At this moment in time, your Girlfriend's mind is set to Search for "I_love_you.wav" and until it finds what it's looking for, it will continue searching until the information is found. Saying "I love you" every now and then, even if it's a lie, will make her internal search engine satisfied. For another temporary solution, you might try just waiting until she's hinted a few times too much, then she'll crash. That's how my computer works, at least.
"Whenever I'm anywhere in public with my Guy, he'll always check out other girls when he thinks I'm not watching him. Is there any way I can stop him from doing this?"
Apart from skewering his eyes with chopsticks, (which I don't recommend to anyone!) there's not a lot you can do. Most guys follow whatever their subconscious says. Usually the subconscious says things like "Man, she's got a great ass!" and "Emergency, erection-warning level 5! Incoming babe!" because it's completely controlled by his loins. Take this into acount and try controlling him by his loins. I suggest a taser in the crotch every time he glances at another woman. Sure, it'll hurt, but that's tough-love for you!
P.S. To all the guys out there. I'm sorry.
"My wife is always starting fights with me over trivial matters. Why is she doing this? and more importantly, how do I get her to stop?"
Just stop listening, go to the bar more often and chat up that lovely barmaid. Sure, it may hurt, but all my solutions do.
"There's a girl that I really like and I'm pretty sure she likes me, too. How do I ask someone out, and what should I arrange for the date?"
Well, the asking out bit is really easy. Just approach her in a casual way, hands in your jeans and wearing Raybans. Call her over, and when she gets there, just grab her and make out with her. After that, tell her you'll pick her up tomorrow at 7:00pm, then strut back to your friends, give a double thumbs-up and say, "Ayyyyy!" That's all you'll need to know about asking her out, according to the "Happy Days" dating manual. On the date, a movie is always a great idea, but let her pick the movie, so you can tell what her intentions are. If she picks a movie like "The Waterboy" she just wants the cinema empty so you can make out in the back row. If it's "Moulin Rouge" she actually wants to watch the movie, so don't bother puckering up, but it might be an ideal movie to do the Yawn-and-slip-your-arm-around-her move. If it's something like "You've Got Mail" she'll probably want to snuggle up close to you. In most cases, you're pretty set for romance, so just go with the flow. Only be worried if she picks a movie like "Lesbian Bikini Bandits from Hell 2: Ginger's Lost Bra-strap." for obvious reasons. Next, if you really want to impress her, take her to a fancy restaurant that doesn't have prices on their menus! It'll hurt your wallet, but that means she'll just be more impressed. (If not by your generosity, then by your desperation.) Let her talk about herself, and make sure you pay attention to EVERYTHING she has to say, because this is the point where she'll make it clear what she likes and what she doesn't. If you listen correctly and smile a lot, you might just be rewarded later. It's up to you to decide what to do next, because by now you'll have learnt enough to know what she wants to do, if you were listening correctly. As long as you refuse to let her pay for anything, don't argue with her, and listen good, you'll be fine! And remember, if offered, ALWAYS go up for coffee!
"It used to be impossible for me to get a date when I was a virgin, but a few months ago I lost my virginity and now the guys don't leave me alone! What happened?"
Do I really need to spell this out for you? Word of mouth says, "She puts out!" Congratulations, you've opened Pandora's box by using your's!
"I'm in love with the perfect man. He's stunningly attractive, charming, sophisticated and intelligent. The problem is that he's already married to some Bimbo. What can I do?"
What you DON'T do is break into his house and murder his wife. It just makes things messy and it's far too much work for people nowadays. Plus, I have a niggling feeling that it's slightly against the law, too. Try more subtle ways of breaking them up, like putting guys' underwear under her side of the bed, and send her flowers to the house from "Her Not-so-secret Admirer". Pretty soon the guy will get the picture and leave. Then he's your fish, baby! (I don't really recommend breakingup a couple, but it just sounds like so much fun! And with couples already perpetually worried that their partners aren't happy it's like playing a guitar with strings that are wound so tight they break from the lightest touch. Besides, he's the perfect man for YOU alone! Why he married that Bimbo in the first place is unusual because he was obviously destined for YOU! She probably married him for his money or something... Gold-digging slut...)
Well, that ends todays Question and Answer Time. I hope you take care using the information I've provided you with, because there's no moneyback guarantee with a free opinion. You've read it, you can't unread it. Use the knowledge you have gained to your advantage! (There are no advantages in relationships, just ammunition.) - Doctor Oddfellow
"You've been eating refried beans all day, I don't care what your BREATH smells like!" - Oddfellow, 2002
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