Journal - 08/10/01

 Save us from our pooches! - 08/10/01

The Dog. Human's closest companion and a darn fine newspaper fetcher. These loyal friends of humans everywhere are not what they seem. Not at all. They are not the cute, cuddly, human-loving creatured we adore, and only here can you learn the truth. Dogs are out to get us. They are against us. I hear skeptics all over the world saying things like, "Odd, you've never been trustworthy or honest in your entire life, why should we believe this now?". Well, I'll explain it. You see, even though most of us can't comprehend it, dogs everywhere feast of the human emotions of annoyance, irritation and outright anger. When we set off these emotions, we stink of it, and dogs LOVE the smell! They love it so much they'll go to certain lengths to ensure you let off their daily hit of it. But they're very subtle in the ways that they go about their evil business of annoying us, performing only slightly annoying things frequently, rather than doing something really bad every now and then. They are smarter than we think. Here's just a few things that are the Dogs' favourite ways of pissing us off;
  • Running away for about an hour - This little stunt not only means that their owner has to get off their asses in the middle of their favourite movie to go out into the cold weather and find their stupid mutt, who walks in the back door the moment the owner leave via the front. When the owner comes back, cursing and swearing about how much that stupid dog pisses him off, and see the dog lying in front of the fire innocently, not only does he pong of that fragrant aroma dogs go nuts for, but he can't really yell or curse at the dog becase, for all he knows, the dog's been sitting there all the time.
  • Sniffing your crotch - The act of dog wherein they jam their large, wet snoot as far into your crotch as possible. After every human attempt to swat their noses out of their jeans, the dog will always dodge the hand and go in for a second attack. Most often, this is done around company so that you can't act violently to the dog for fear of frightening or embarassing your company.
  • Sitting at your side and wagging their tail into your leg - An action usually adopted by large dogs like labradors, retrievers, etc. because of their incredibly powerful tails, capable of making loud thumping noises against the hardest of Gib board. They position themselves against your leg while you're watching something on TV and proceed to wag their tails. Smacking their tails into leg, you become extremely irritated after a while, but can't brin yourself to hit him because he's "just trying to be your friend".
  • Chewing up paper things - A favourite for any dog because the situation you are left with isn't instantly rectified by a simple telling off, you have to actually clean up the mess they make. They can also add more pain to your suffering by playfully attacking piece of of the stuff while you're cleaning it up, thereby making a bigger mess.
  • Chewing up socks/underwear - A favourite for puppies up to about 5 months old, who know they can get away with murder because they're so cute. A single puppy can chew up about 7 pairs of socks before any action will be taken, and even then you just put socks in higher places, not retaliate against the puppy.
  • Walking irrationally on a lead - Dogs know how we hate to be tied up or put in uncomfortable situations, so they weave from side to side, between our legs and around our legs, making it difficult to walk without having to look down constantly and curse them. Also, they know our fantasies about wrapping themselves around an attractive member of the opposite sex, so they play into that for us by wrapping themselves around the most hideously ugly members of the same gender they can find, then sit down and refuse to be unwind themselves. They don't care, they're dogs!
In conclusion of my point, Dogs are evil! They know where they stand, the loyal, cute 'n cuddly friends of humans, who bend to our every whim and save our children when they are attacked by bears, or at least that's what happens on Benji and Lassie and those awful animal movies. They are twisted, sick animals that live of our negative emotions like a four-legged Sally Jesse Raphael. Never forget to keep your eye on your dog, never forget to make it clear where they stand, and NEVER forget the old saying "Dog spelt backwards is God, but that doesn't mean a thing because they're still dogs!". Good luck trying to contain your "best friend".

 Quotable Quote:
"Nothing is real in this world except me and my tomato sandwich!"

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