The Z-Files: Alpha to Omega - Arc 02 - Chapter 8

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Chapter 8 - "Reasons why beds are outlawed" by Oddfellow

The team all equip their very cool and stylish wristbands and move to follow their enemy's trail.

Each characters' movement is portrayed by their elements' attributes. Oddfellow streaks along, flames tailing his every move. Tashi melts and oozes aong the ground like quicksilver. Aaron is miles ahead of the rest, zapping from one place to the other in fractions of seconds. Judicator (for all his impressive bulk and weaponry) sluggishly clunks along, making 'beeps' and 'blips' on occasion. OWA glimmers along, while Madcat slips through the shadows and Arkman glides along with harps playing melodiously. Finally Achilles walks behind... just walking, mind you... but very lovingly.

Aaron: Wow! This is great! I don't think I've ever moved so fast.

Madcat: Not even when the anime shop was selling Dragonball Z cels of Goku doing a kamehameha at quarter price?

Aaron: Well, maybe that once I... Well, the point is, I rarely get to move this fast.

Tashi: How fast can you go?

Aaron: Dunno.

Agent A blasts off into the distance and returns a second later.

Aaron: Pretty fast... Oh, and Walt is nearing the post office.

Achilles: Why didn't you stop him?!!

Aaron: ...

Oddfellow (to Aaron): *Pssst* "Birds"!

Aaron: Wha-- ... Oh! uhh.. Birds! Big birds! Everywhere! ... uhh... Ugly, giant birds!

Tashi: Then we'd better hurry or they'll get to Walt before we do! Everyone rushes apart from Judicator who stands confused.

Judicator: My advanced cyborg logic-o-meter finds no logic in Agent T's statement.

Aaron (to Oddfellow): "Birds"?

Oddfellow: Hey, it works! Remember that time the science department was blown up?

Aaron: "Birds"?

Oddfellow: "Birds".

Tashi: We'll continue on foot. Aaron, you go ahead and stop Walt.

Aaron: Sure, I get frequent zapping miles, so I may as well clock up what I can. *

Aaron zips off.

...Several unknown periods of time later...

Tashi: I'm hungry!

Oddfellow: Me too. Everyone stop for lunch break!

Everyone: YAY!

Achilles: What's in the rations box?

Oddfellow: Let's see here... Who wants a foot-long?

Tashi: Ooh! Me!!

Oddfellow: Who wants the club sandwich?

Tashi: Ooh! Me!!

Madcat: Agent T, stop hogging the food!

Tashi: You callin' me a hog?!

Judicator: Well, you do have a rather advanced form of greed when it comes to anything of an edible nature.

Madcat: Plus, you seem to be able to produce food from nowhere.

Oddfellow: Like a special power off the X-men?

Judicator: We could use your ability to make money from people who want to see fr--

Tashi: If you're gonna say "freaks", I'm going to saturate you!

Tashi weilds her wristband at Judicator.

Judicator: ... uuhh... FRIENDS. Who want to see FRIENDS with cool mutat-- abilities.

A giant sweat drop appears on the back of Judicator's head.

Arkman: A's taking a long time. And considering he can move at practically the speed of annoyance, he should have been back a long time ago.

Oddfellow: The speed of annoyance?

Arkman: Yeah. Scientists studied a whole heap of different thigns and their speeds, at first it seemed that light was the quickest they could find, but then they realised that before the lights could turn on, their geeky apprentices would have annoyed them. Hence the reason for the speed of annoyance.

Oddfellow: Well, that was a sad case story of which I'll probably never need the knowhow of at any further stage in my life. Let's go look for Agent A.

We see Walt Disney trotting along happily towards the post office carrying the script for his movie, involving two sickly-sweet orphans. Behind him, cursing words are flying from Aaron offstage.

Walt: Tra-la-la! I'm so happy that this script is going to bring my followers endless joy. I think I'll name the boy orphan... WALT! And maybe I'll name the girl DISNEY! Walt and Disney! Oh, I'm just the most genius-ish ghost I can think of. Still, that's not saying much when you hear the dialogue in Anastasia. But never mind! Ahh, there's the post office!

Back where Aaron is...

Aaron: Curse you, fiend! If I ever get down I'll--

Tashi: Agent A! What are you doing up there?

Aaron: Hey guys. I was just about to zap Walt a good one, when he turns around and sucks me into a power socket he just happened to be carrying. And a good thing for him, too!

Oddfellow: So what are you doing up there?

Aaron: Well, after he caught me, he rubbed me on his head for a while, then stuck me to the ceiling. It's humiliating, and my pants are ruined with static.

Judicator: The fiend. I know how hard it is to find a good suit after your favourite one gets ruined!

Aaron: Get me down and we'll get him, he's just over there.

Walt: Oh, so you think you can stop me now, huh? ... Hang on, weren't you miles behind? How did you get here in just this short amount of dialogue?

Oddfellow: uhh...

Everyone watches as a large plot hole drifts around. Finally an 18-wheeler blares it's horn and drives through.

Tashi: That doesn't matter! We've got you now!

She fires a stream of water at Walt, getting him directly in the crotch.

Tashi: Ahahahaha!!! He wet himself! Look! Ahahahaha!!

Tashi starts rolling around laughing. Walt starts to blush. All the Z-files members stifle giggles.

Madcat finds something on the ground.

Madcat: Hey, a remote.

Walt: You can't stop me now! I'm going to put the script in the post bin, then my plans will be complete!

Walt starts to place the script in the bin. Madcat presses a button on the remote, from nowhere a large TV screen appears and advertises the CCF (Christian Childrens Fund.). Several orphans of the real variety are shown crying and homeless, hungry and dying.

Walt: What is this? Achilles: They're orphans and sick children, idiot! Can't you see?

Walt: B-b-but... they can't be reall orphans! They aren't exceptionally cute and cuddly!

Tashi: Duh!

Walt: They all look like they're dying, like they've actually gobe without food! Like they're really sad and hungry! This can't be right?!

Achilles: This is what orphans are really like. Not the sad excuses for orphans you portray in those stupid movies of yours. You should be ashamed!

All the Z-team wave their fingers and go "tsk, tsk tsk" like those 3rd grade teachers. Walt look ashamed.

Walt: My mind is mixed up! So many different stories... orphans equal happiness and light... no! sadness and gloom... happy... death... can't accept reality...

Achilles fires a love beam at Walt to deepen his ashamed-ness.

Walt: Oh no!! My reason for staying on earth has been wiped! My ability to trasform anything vaguely interesting into a piece of kiddy-flick filth has been eliminated! I no longer have unfinished business! 'm going to pass over!...

Walt is sucked into a nearby coffin and engages in his own funeral once again. The sad music, the funeral food, and Mickey Mouse singing "It ain't easy being dead" beside his coffin. The Z-team stand stupified.

Aaron: Well, that was interesting.

...Some time later...

All the Z-team have been dropped off outside the bed. They all brush themselves off and check to see if everyone is there.

Achilles: Who knew there were New York cab drivers under O's bed!

Tashi: I've checked the change, I think he overcharged us.

Aaron: I knew it... Nothing's ever perfect.

Oddfellow: Let's head back to Bingo with the Shakespearean script.

...More time passes...

Everyone is assembled in the debriefing room. The floating head of Bingo appears.

Bingo: Excellent work, team. Not only did you manage to end Disney's reign of cinematic terror, but SNK bought the rights to the script as soon as they heard about it. We didn't get much money off it, but we did get enough to buy a new vending machine for the employees lounge.

All: Hooray!!

Bingo: Oh, and the hole in the side of the building has been fixed as well.

Bingo glares nastily at Oddfellow.

Bingo: That took up most of the money we got from SNK. You can all thank Agent O for postponing the purchase of the company car for you all.

Oddfellow: A-heh... oops. I feel tiny, guys, really...

Bingo: But, we can probably make up the returns if we sell these wristbands to the FBI... after studying the technology and replicating them for our own use, of course...

All: Ohhhhh!!

Aaron: But these things are so cool!

Bingo: Tough, hand 'em over.

The Z-team hand over their wristbands one by one, all except Achilles who fires a love beam at Bingo.

Bingo: On second thoughts, since Achilles is such a great guy, he gets to keep his.

The rest of the team go uproar and yell a lot, so Achilles fires a few beams at them, too.

Oddfellow: I can understand that.

Tashi: Seems fair to me, he's such a great guy.

Aaron: Nice teeth, too...

End of Arc 02

Note: Well, wasn't that episode just great! And it all came together so nicely. That Achilles, what a great guy! It's funny, though... Will we ever get to know how Tashi creates food from thin air?

*Jaws theme*

*Tashi looks evil*

*I look scared*

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