The Z-Files: Alpha to Omega - Arc 01 - Chapter 4

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Chapter 4 - "Life, liberty and the pursuit of insanity" by Tashi the Templar

From the random insanity graciously given from the various participants of this little jig, I had to screw my whole beginning.. there happy?! :) Anyways, onward to the search for the MAGICAL CORAL!

Tashi (tapping foot): Amanda, are you finished YET? It can't seriously take you THAT long!

Amanda glares from the giant sketchbook on her lap. She tosses her hair.

Amanda: A great and respected artist like me needs her time! It takes 25 hours per picture I draw y'know (and it's true! ask her yourself! :)

Oddfellow: Ding! Ding! Ding!

Aaron: Great, just great. Now Odd here think there's an annoying stop request ring thingie... jeez, just what I need.

FantasyLord: At least you don't have to suffer another identity crisis... hopefully... maybe... chances are slim....

Aaron: Dear GAWD, don't tell me that Saint Faucet's going to...

Tashi: Yep! *smiles* he's going to freak us out on this episode! :P Serves you right for not making me reek havoc on you... mwheh heh...

Achilles: *muttering* note to self, get anti-Tashi-cide.

Tashi: What?

Achilles: Oh! Um nothing! Say, where did all these new agents come from?

Shoo: ...

Madcat: ...

Gerudo Pimp: ...wha? Hey! I'm revived!

The Rock: ...

Arkman001: ...

And anyone else this insanely stupid author forgot: ... ^-^;

aka Tifa: *munch* *munch* *slobber* *crunch*

FantasyLord: Argh!! Stop that incessant chewing already! You're making me sick aka Tifa!

aka Tifa (wiping mouth and smacking lips): Sorry... geez, I didn't have lunch yet. That purple teletubbie sure hit the spot though...

Shoo: Um, yeeees. Seems like we have interesting.. individuals here indeed.

Madcat (pensive): This part totally sucks. I mean, nothing's happening besides the fact that we are just chatting while Odd..

Odd: Dancing queen... la la la laaa...

Madcat (twitching): ... is going to make us all snap even more with his CRAFT-infested brain cells...

The Rock: I never thought of this, but does anyone think that this CRAFT diesease is contagious?

A silence ensues. Only the sounds of pencil scratches could be heard. Amanda looks up and scratches her nose.

Amanda: Um.. people, you can keep on talking...

Arkman001: I highly doubt it's contagious, besides, we've already quarantined Odd.

Gerudo Pimp: Yeah, by slapping him silly to keep his damned mouth shut and throwing him into that McDonalds restaurant...

Madcat: Wouldn't that be tormenting the people inside there? I'd retch if I saw some delusional, blonde-haired guy prance aoround in his khaki short singing 'Old Mcdonald had a farm' really off key...

Tashi (waving down hand): Oh don't worry so much y'old stick in the mud. People'll just think he's some frech fry dude.

Amanda: FINISHED! Now we can distract Judicator!

aka Tifa and Tashi: Yeeeah!

The two turn to look at the picture after their victory ritual. Apparently, all the boys have been mesmorized by the masterpiece, revealing Tifa in her full (not naked, you pervert :) glory.

aka Tifa: Um.. Amanda... *munch*

Tashi: Stop that munching already!

aka Tifa: Fine! Fine!! Stupid little... ANYWAYS, you did too much of a good job, Amanda since the males have gotten entranced by your superior art abilities.

Amanda: Gee, ya think?

The males have been attracted by the picture like bugs to a giant, lightning-emitting outdoor light. Oddfellow has broken out of McDonalds with a couple of fries in his mouth. A changeling clay thingie from the 60s Batman shows up... um.. materializes next to him, his arms dripping with wet clay. Tashi turns around to face Odd, accidently knocking a cup of soda from his hand... and onto that blobbish thingie...

Blob: ... raagaghhhhh! I'm m-melting.. m-melting!!!

Tashi: Yeah, go to heck! Just don't make such a mess on the floor. I have to clean it up y'know.

aka Tifa(drooling): Mm... blobbish thing.. uh I mean! Good work Tashi!

Amanda(raising eyebrow): So what are we going to do with the guys here (jerks thumb at them) we can't peel their eyes out you know.

Tashi(stroking chin): Weeell, we've got 2 choices. We either forcefully drag them to see

Judicator: or...

aka Tifa: OR we could just kick them out altogether! GIRL GAMERS RULE!

Amanda and Tashi(sweating but enthousiastic): YEAH!

Tashi: But they're our friends, so they're an exception. C'mon help me you guys.

Amanda, aka Tifa and Tashi crack their knuckles and give a choke hold on all their collars. Then, in one simultaneous breath they said... well actually, screamed...


Judicator is momentarily distracted from his casino games and peers over his shoulder. Seeing the girls hyperventilating, he shrugs, thinking it was some 'girl ritual thing'.

The boys snapped back to reality and look around confusedly. Using their confusion to an advantage, Amanda scrolls up the picture and tucks it into her arms.

Shoo: Wow... that pic was cool...

Madcat: Ditto... Tifa is a goddess!

Aaron: Mine eyes hath been enamoured!

The Rock: T-tifa...

Arkman001: OH TIFA! THY DIVINTY.....!

Gerudo Pimp: :) Woah...

aka Tifa: Be quiet Gerudo before you offend all of us! (waving a giant mallet in air)

Gerudo: Sorry! SOrry! Who's gotten your panties in a knot?

aka Tifa (twitching with fury): W-what did you say...?

Gerudo: Ahem... I said...

aka Tifa: I know what you said, you you... disgusting, well, PIMP!!

The Rock: Chill man. We're all Tifa fans here.

Madcat: Yup yup yup.

Shoo: Ah, Tifa....

Tashi: Okay, okay, before I puke all over everyone because of this obssession, I'll take a moment to sing a little jingle I made...

Oddfellow(momentarily sane): Ack! No! Everyone, prevent her from singing! Your ears will be bleeding for centuries!!

Aaron: Man the torpedos! Shut her up at every cost!

Tashi: Wha?

The Rock: Aye captain! Torpedos launched and ready...

Shoo: Plasma guns limiting with power...

Arkman001: Are you sure about this move captain? She's going to...

Aaron: Hee hee! FIRE!!

Madcat: W-where?! We've got to listen to Smokey and stomp on the fire more!! Where's the water???!! We're all going to burn!!

Amanda: I think he's finally snapped from hanging around with us so long.

Madcat: ACK!! WATER! WATER!!

The Rock: Here! (splashes Madcat) There's your darned water!

FantasyLord: We know we can count on you to do what Smokey saaays!!

Tashi: ARGH! Alright alright I'll shut up.

Odd: Heehee... pink elephants...

Everyone arches a brow, small sweatdrops forming on the back of their heads. Of course, due to the high non-good content in them, everyone has to wash their hair before it gets damaged anymore.

Shoo: Wait, wait, wait. Aren't we supposed to rescue Judicator first?

Aaron: Yeah, I mean, by washing our hair, it delays the inevitable....

Amanda: And poor Judicator...

The Rock: Let's just wash our hair already!

Arkman001: And to add spaz in this part, we'll make our hair look like the FFVII's character hairstyles!

Madcat: Whoopeedoo!

Gerudo Pimp: Whoopee what? Man, this is getting stranger and stranger by the minute.

Tashi: Everyone... (pulls out an asoortment of haircare products from Mallet-space) let's get ready to wash our hair! *^_^*

FantasyLord: Damn, those smilies are really creeping me out...

Odd: ^_^! ^O^! *^___^*! YAHHHHHHOOOO!!

aka Tifa: Tashi, are you going to do the hairstyling, 'cause if you are...

Everyone looks terrified, their eyeballs bulging with fright.

Tashi(glaring with eyebrow arched in irritation): Nice to know you all trust me that much, but no, I'm not going to stick my fingers in everyone's greasy hair.

Everyone: PHEW!

Gerudo: I thought we were toast...

Tashi: ...But the bus driver will! >:D

Aaron: Damn, I don't like that smilie at all...

Shoo: WHAT?!

The Rock: Gawd, the bus driver?! Are our budgets really that low?!

Tashi: Yep! And besides, he said he'll do it for free! He's had experience in a parlour called... (takes a business card from him) thank you... he's worked at someplace called Alcatraz Beauty Products... it's pretty well known...

Achilles: Hi guys! Is Odd cured yet?

Everyone jumps in surprise.

Achilles: What?

Aaron: Where in the world were you?! You just disappeared off the face of this part!

Achilles(sweating): Well y'see, I was doing this thing...

aka Tifa: Oh how very specific!

Achilles: Okay, I sort of got attracted to the studio's lunch area.

Odd: Mmm... lunch! Frosted Flakes are the Grrrrrrreatest!! Heeeheee! ;)

Achilles: *blink* *blink* And I see our friend hasn't been cured yet right?

Shoo: What gave you THAT idea?

Tashi: Okay step right up people! We're all on a busy schedule!

Achilles: What in the world is going on?

Madcat: Seems like we have to wash our hair today.

Achilles blinks, then shrugs.

Achilles: But aren't we supposed to rescue Judicator?

Amanda: Not anytime soon. Besides, my hair is filthy after our little encounter with that CLAY room.

Gerudo Pimp: Besides, we all want our hair to be silky smooth and shiny!

Aaron: We do?

Arkman001: DUH! Of course!

Tashi: Since no one's 'volunteering', aka Tifa! You go first!

Aaron: I choose you.. aka Tifa!! I mean... uh...

aka Tifa; What?! Why me?

Tashi: Because we'll never meet the damsel in distress if you don't go!

aka Tifa: Why can't the CRAFTy oaf do it then?

Tashi(looking at Odd): Because... he... um... he's already washed his hair!

Odd(reciting): Da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Da da daaaaaaaaaa.... (insert Aeris' theme song)

aka Tfa: SHUT UP! That stupid bitch is dead! You hear me! DEAD! Why can't anyone put it in their heads already?!

Tashi grabs hold of aka Tifa's shoulders and flings her unceremoniously on a chair. The bus driver comes from behind her and grins.

Bus Driver: Well... let's see what we could do with your hair...

aka Tifa: I want it just to be like Tifa's!!

Bus Driver: Tifa?

Tashi whispers something in his ears. She pulls back, her face twisted in a wicked grin.

Bus Driver: Oh THAT FFVII character? Close your eyes now...

aka Tifa happily obliges, imagining herself as Tifa, beating the crap out of everyone she sees. She starts to hum really off note. The bus driver starts cutting and washing and fashioning away. At one point he holds out a torch and dries her hair with it. He opens up his mask and reveals aka Tifa to a mirror. She opens her eyes expecting to look exactly like Tifa but she gets a different surprise...

aka Tifa; OHMYGOD! I look like Aeris!! (face turning into anger) TASHI!!

Tashi turns around and bursts out laughing. ak Tifa strangles her.


Tashi(gasping for air): But.. *huff* that's what I told... *hack* him to do!! Choke him not me!! aka Tifa turns around, preapring to turn herself into a subterranean lava beast. Her form starts to shift.

Gerudo Pimp: Due to the upcoming violence about to be exibited in the following scene....

Aaron: We advise everyone to close their eyes... thank you.

Minutes pass...

Shoo: Thank you for your cooperation.

Madcat: Ouch. I'm glad I wasn't THAT busdriver.

The Rock: Yep.

Odd: Oh... what a ness.... aka Tifa must've been really hungry...

Arkman001: NO! Poison Sting dammit! Poison sting!!

Amanda: what? (sees Arkman playing Pokemon) Oh... I think quick attack is more effective...

Arkman001: Ya think? (presses a few buttons on Game boy) By bove! You're right! Hahaha! Stupid Pokemon trainer...

aka Tifa(belches): Whew... that was a bit chewy... but my hair's STILL STUCK LIKE AERIS'!!

Achilles: Don't worry, there's got to be some point in this... insanity right?

He looks at Tashi who is innocently whistling.

Tashi: Hey who says there is?

aka Tifa; There better be or you'll face my subterranean lava beast!!!

Tashi(nervous): Please, please, no need to be THAT violent right? I mean, we're all friends here!

aka tifa: I HATE AERIS!!

Multiple veins are now popping out of he rforehead now as her face and body is turning into a very violent shade of red.

Tashi: Fine! There's a purpose to all this! You'll ahve to wait and see though...


Odd: My ears are hurting... owowowowowowowowowwowowoowowowowowowowowowoww!

Aaron: It would help if you stopped poking them.

Odd: WoW! You're smart Saint Faucet!

Aaron: I'm not Saint Faucet!

Odd: whheeeee!

Shoo: We really need to find that cure fast...

Gerudo Pimp: and rescue Judicator...

Madcat: Before Odd spreads the diesease even more...


A silence blankets the place (wherever they are). Aka Tifa whimpers and bows down, apologizing, as does Tashi.

The Rock: Yowch. Hot temper there, eh Amanda?

Amanda: This story has to move along and we have to save Judicator!

Arkman001: Lure him out already then!

She unscrolls the picture and slaps it in front of Judicator's face. Judicator blinks, then giggles uncontrollably. He suddenly poses melodramatically.

Judicator: Oh Tifa, Tifa, where art thou lovely and nubile (I don't know what that means) Tifa! Thy goddess of purity, beauty of the world....

Achilles: That was beautiful! *clap* *clap* I give it two thumbs up...

Shoo: Waaaay up!

Odd: *giggle* Tifa! Pika! They rhyme!

Aaron: Okay, now that we've saved Judicator, and he has resumed to his normal, poetic self, why don't we get the stupid magical coral now?

Madcat: Um.. we can't Saint Fau... um... I mean, Aaron.

Aaron: ... why can't we?

FantasyLord: You know, rescue maiden of distress first...

Aaron: Do we have to?

Gerudo Pimp: What the Pimp says, goes!

The Rock: Pimp indeed...

Tashi: This sucks. How are we supposed to get into the tower where that ditsy...

Damsel ???: DITSY???!!!!

Tashi: ... ANYWAYS, how are we supposed to get inside?

FantasyLord: There's some sort of ball or party going around in there...

Gerudo Pimp: And since when was there a tower around here?!

Tashi: Since I started writing this part!

Gerudo Pimp grumbles with his arms crossed over his chest.

FantasyLord: Let me guess... we have to dress up...

Tashi(smiles brightly): Yep! And as FFVII characters!

Aaron: And let me think, according to your insanity, there's going to be some cross dressing right?

Tashi nods brightly.

Odd: I've got dibs on Yuffie!!

Everyone except Odd, shivers.

The Rock: I think that you should be Cid okay?

Odd: *pouts* But I want to....

Madcat: You'll get a cookie if you listen to us...

FFVII KIng: Hey! Don't rip off my cookie idea!


Judicator: Now let's strike action poses before we fit into our costumes.

Everyone does that, but Tashi gives that evil, insane look.

Tashi: Oh... this is going ot be so fun....

aka Tifa: You mean I have to be AERIS???!!!

Tashi: And I'll be Sephiroth!

A spotlight suddenly shines from the tower and a very farmiliar figure show up. It is... SAINT FAUCET!

*gasp* from the audience.

Saint Faucet: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! They are falling into my plans... mwheh heh heh. They shall never rescue the damsel....

Shoo: Okay, costumes everyone!

End of Chapter 4

Notes: Wow, that was really fun. And I get to be Sephiroth! :) Wonder who's going to be Cait Sith. Anyways, hope you had fun reading ^-^ Continue this.. if you dare! And don't forget the costumes! And to everyone who think they didn't get a sufficient part... at least you had some lines!! And to everyone I've offended... I'm sorry. And to everyone who thinks my cooking sucks... good for you! It's a miracle you survived it!

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