Journal - 17/10/01
The Web! Marvellous tool! - 17/10/01
As we all know, the Internet has become popular. In fact, it's so popular that ANYbody can go online and do just about anything they want. The information is there, the people are there, the interaction is there. But we're just about reaching the apex of the Net's abilities to entertain, and the only real reasons people go on the Net nowadays are to chat, e-mail and find pornography... oh, and study. It seems the use of the Internet is dropping because it's become so well known that people aren't using it just because they can. They've grown brains... damn. So I tried as hard as I could to think of a number of ways to get the interest back in the World Wide Web.
Online Bounty Hunting
- The internet was invented, like all other technology, to make out lives easier. The Mafia should have the same luxuries. All it takes are a few clever words and you'll have half the desperate internet-ees scrambling in action. For example, the Mafia are always looking to kill SOMEone, so here's how to make it easy. Run an ad in easy-to-find places on the Net stating, "Looking for your dream job in these jobless times? Robert Jones of 33 Makenzie St, Auckland has it. Kill him and it's your's!" Done, the only fingers the Mafia had to lift was their index finger on the mouse button.
More Online Violence
- Sure Ultima Online and the upcoming Final Fantasy XI are hot, and Counterstrike is always a good bet, but it's not what the public REALLY want! One of the Internet's main focuses is to present the user with unlimited amnounts of gore and violence, and perhaps the joy of laughter when something gorey and violent happens. So here's a few things that'll really get the people in.
Site Generator Machines
- Daily Groin Damaging - You can see all the action as videos of guys falling crotch-first onto metal beams as they are updated daily. Prizes for the most impressive groinal injury video are given away at the end of each week. It's like America's Funniest Home Videos, but with a real sting, and no pathetic voice-overs from a has-been actor.
- Kitty-Maul 3000 - Everyone loves to see mindless violence, and what better target for mindless violence than a wide-eyed kitty cat? This online game has several stages of violence, from 'a swift kick up the butt' to 'put kitty in the juicer'. Wholesome fun for the entire family, except children, adults above 30, college students and cat-lovers. Especially cat-lovers.
- Running With Scissors 2001 - DANGEROUS! Do not play unless you are fully trained in the art of scissor-carrying. This violent game has your character holding a pair of scissors and you must navigate a crowded household to put them back in the drawer. Other people will be swarming around the place with their own scissors, trying their best not to hit anyone else. Educational, entertaining, and funny and hell when someone cuts their own wrists accidentally.
- With all the personal hompages floating around on Geocities and such, it's quite a draw for people to see their own sites on the Internet. Why? I don't know. Maybe these people are all just stupid. Whichever way, it's obvious they like seeing their own sites. So why not make it a little easier for them? The Site Generator Machine will generate a typical homepage for people who are HTML-illiterate and not willin to learn. Using random pictures of cute animals and raver-style cartoon girls, along with throwing in assorted quotes about life in general and useless tidbits, the Machine completely designs the site for the lazy user. The sites will be hard to navigate through, eye-cancer-causing, and sport text so incomprehensible you'll have to go to Lingo classes just to read the welcomes. Hooray for homesites!
More Friendly Chat Rooms
- Everyone loves chatrooms, right? Where else can a 500-pound Logger from Oregon successfully pose as a nubile young 18-year-old? Where else can someone spend 60% of their day calling people they've only known for 5 minutes "Hun" and "Baby". Where else can otherwise timid people scream profanities and hit on various members of the opposite sex until one gives in and has cybersex with them? Chatrooms, of course! More of these, please! They're the world's leading place for closets gays and transvestites. Sure, there are some rooms that allow people from different countries to come together and build strong emotional support through meaningful conversation, but I've never seen one. They're only available to famous people and exceedingly wealthy politicians, I think.
Well, that's about all I see going for the internet. Join me next week when I ramble on about complete crap once again!
"Blimey!. BlimeyBlimeyBlimey!... BLIMEY!!" - Kevin Sandom, 2001
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