"I made a big decision a little while ago,
Daily Emotion - 05/03/02
Who am I again?
Right now I'm not sure how I feel.
Should I be scared? Should I anxious? Should I be thrilled? Who knows. All I know is that within the next two-and-a-half weeks, I'll be in Nagoya, Japan to work for 6 months with people I won't know, in a country I'm unfamiliar with, trying to understand a language I've had no experience with. Putting it like that, it's a very scary thought, one that leads me to seriously reconsider what I'm doing. It's great to say that I'll be overseas working for half a year to everyone who asks, it's a great boost for the damaged ego, but to actually understand what that means, I have to listen to what I'm saying. I'm going overseas for half a year, on my own.
I can only think of one person at this time, a good friend of mine, Tania, who's in Europe right now, and has been for some time. She left last year to work over there and I made it a point to keep in close contact. Guilt pangs me every time I think of the fact that I've done nothing to keep into contact, save a few brief e-mails. It's only now I can understand what she must have gone through when she decided to go over. It's horrible to think that all my friends might be like that to me when I'm gone. The thought of it scares me more and more. Above all, I have to have friends beside me, to let me know how they are, to hang out with me and do friend stuff. I'm going to miss them far more than they could ever imagine.
It's a very depressing state to be in, thinking about losing friends and the struggles I may face in future, so I try to make myself busy with plans of things to do before I go.
A. I have to move out sometime, as I can't leave all my stuff with Kevin in the flat. It's not that I don't trust him or anything, but I simply can't leave him with the responsibility of looking after all my crap. Besides, he's got to find a new flatmate, organise the rent, etc. all while remaining on top of his search for proper employment. So far, the move's been planned for the weekend before my flight, which should prove ample time to shift and prepare. Here's hoping everything goes smoothly.
B. Get baptised. As you may be aware, I'm Christian, and it's been on my mind for the past while to get water-baptised. I'm set on having this done before I leave, so that I can have it done in the comfort of my own local church, before I come into a new world where I'm not even sure Christian churches exist. Which reminds me, I have to ring the Pastor...
C. Money. Bless my Relatives for their Heaven-sent loans to me, allowing me to get my Visa and travel overseas. Without them I wouldn't be going, which reminds me to thank them for the stress it's caused me so far! I have to get the money back to them while I'm in Japan, which will just confuse me greatly and I'll probably do something stupid. You know it's going to happen. :)
It's these kind of details that really help me forget the depressing thoughts. Above all else, I'm worried that my friends will forget about me, and when I return I'll be estranged from them. Or worse still, I just can't connect with them anymore. I know it's stupid, but these kind of things really eat at me, because I treasure the cose bonds I have with my friends. Even when I don't get to see them alot, I still have a strong feeling of friendship whenever I think of them. They make my world what it is, and without them I'd be empty and lonely. That's why I'm so paranoid about losing them, even though I know that they're such good friends that would never happen. Guess it's just my overactive sense of dramatics that make me think such pathetic things.
I know not a lot of my friends read this page, so I figure it's fairly safe to say this: I may not show it directly, but I'm scared to death of what might happen. Thank God I have Jesus, friends and family that love and support me.
I'd like to conclude with my favourite poem. It really represents the part of me that wonders how I got to where I am, and it lets me know that as long as I can keep walking, I may as well do so.
I don't remember what it was, which prob'ly goes to show
That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential,
Even though it often might appear inconsequential.
I must have been distracted when I left my home, because
Left or Right, I'm sure I went - I wonder which it was?
Anyway, I never veered, I walked in that direction,
Thoroughly absorbed, it seems, in quiet introspection.
For no reason I can think of, I've wandered far astray.
And that is how I've come to where I find myself today."
- Bill Watterson of Calvin & Hobbes
[25/02/2002 04:59:34 PM | Oddfellow]
"I see pride, I see power!" - 'Junior', Cool Runnings
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